grandma and baby
My parents brought me up to be obedient, accommodating and pleasing. I mean, they tried.
They decided that the best future for me was to marry an affluent protector, to have children and to care for my family.
Although not uncommon at the time, this was a seriously flawed strategy and I didn’t agree with it.
I eventually left my family, my country (Canada) and a string of heartbroken suitors behind, explored some of the world, lived in Paris and Algiers and settled in England, marrying an Englishman.
The opportunity to assert myself finally came when I split from my husband (for whom I worked, unpaid). No child support, two very young children, a new job and an opportunity to succeed. I worked obsessively and studied at night. The driven side of my nature had been unleashed and although I was in a challenging situation, my freedom energised me, and I was OK.
Today I am grateful for those challenges. They showed me that the only protector I need is me, and I am perfectly capable of achieving whatever I want.
This post is not about events in my past, it’s about managing my present and future.
During those hard-working, sleep-deprived years, I didn’t really feel guilty (OK every working mother feels some guilt). I knew I had to be a good earner so that we didn’t have to move house. I knew that the children would eventually grow up and forgive me for my fatigue and lack of patience and they did. I told myself that when I retired there would be a rebalancing. I would devote my time and energy to my loved ones and volunteer work.
But I don’t like retirement, still have a driven character and am still ambitious for achievement. Why don’t I conform to what is expected of me/what I expect of my older self?
My strengths are: business planning, marketing strategy, competitive tender, cooking, dinner parties, listening, empathising and playing baby games. My organisational skills are superb, and I am a problem solver. I’m just not ready to be my older self yet. I want achievement and I also want the intimacy that arises from caring for loved ones.
Earlier today (on the train to London on my way to Heathrow Airport/Montreal to spend time caring for my mother), I met a woman wearing a turquoise blue T shirt and matching blue nail polish. Her name is Rosie Swale-Pope, an adventurer and marathon runner.
Global adventurer Rose Swale-Pope is recognised as one of the world’s most courageous, gutsy women of her generation. She is the only person in history, man or woman, to have undertaken an epic solo, unsupported run around our world – over 20,000 miles facing extreme danger, bitter Siberian winters, wolves, axemen and desolate loneliness over nearly five years.
At the age of 72, she sparkles with energy and good health. As an author and motivational speaker, Rosie is used to sharing her life’s experiences, because she is driven to inspire people. I asked her how, as a grandma, she has been able to pursue achievement in later life. Her answer was pragmatic. Good relationships are crucial to your life, but never give up on your ambitions. Your loved ones will understand this about you.
She said it was important to ‘give back’ – to help those who need help - and to inspire people to believe that they could achieve, despite the challenges. She spoke about unlocking people’s dreams, and helping build their resilience. This resonated hugely with me as, in a smaller way, it’s kind of my ambition too.
I thought that this would be a rather long post and that it would take me some time to reach a conclusion. But actually, Rosie gave me the answer (what a coincidence!). She said that you must keep trying to achieve your ambitions, while devoting time and effort to your relationships too. Free yourself from limiting ideas, carve some space for yourself and your efforts will energise you. Your loved ones will accept you for who you are.
I think this is good advice. Having caring duties doesn’t mean you have to give up on your dreams. You just need to find a way to make your life a little larger.
Best wishes
Viv